Skip to main content

Trauma - and how I cope

Trauma is a slippery bastard. It creeps up on you and takes your breath away at the weirdest times.

It sneaks into your thoughts when you're lying in bed trying to sleep. Crowding your thoughts with doubts and deep seated fears.

It rears its ugly head when someone  unexpectedly moves close to you and you cringe without realizing it.






As most of our followers know, Jacques was hospitalized for 6 days with a staphylococcus bacteria which triggered reactive arthritis. And with the current lockdown rules (as a result of the covid pandemic) my husband was not allowed to visit at all. It was Jacques and myself, alone, 24/7 for 6 days.

It was challenging, but nothing I couldn't handle at the time. The adrenaline caused by the situation kept me functional and we coped.
The first few days were "easy" as Jacques was in alot of pain and sleeping most of the day and night.
As he started to feel better it got a bit more difficult. He had the strength to fight against his situation, and unfortunately his "safe space" is me. He fought with me everytime they poked him, everytime they had to take x-rays or do some procedure.
I have quite a few new bruises. And unfortunately those bruises aren't just physical. The trauma Jacques experienced becomes my trauma because I was effectively a human punching bag for a few days.
But, as I said, while in the situation I could cope - I didn't have a choice.

The real trouble starts when we get home. When everything returns to normal and Jacques feels safe again. Then I have to sort through feelings, fears, doubts and other things I cant put into words. 

This, I have learned is PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder. And it wreaks avoc on the psyche. It tries to invade precious moments. It makes you feel vulnerable and weak. You start to doubt in yourself and your abilities.

I have at least acquired some coping mechanisms that I have found help.

I write - this blog has helped me tremendously. As I write this post I get to work through my scrambled thoughts and also acknowledge what I am feeling. I have found that this helps enormously. Acceptance is an invaluable resource. Acceptance of my thoughts and feelings and not feeling guilty for having them.

I spend time with Ruben. My youngest son has saved my sanity a few times, hopefully without him knowing it.

I cook up a storm. One of my favorite hobbies is cooking. This is a love I inherited from my mother and cherish with all my heart. The smells and memories are very therapeutic.

I research Jacques' conditions. I slowed down with this a while ago as it scared me, but knowledge is power. I try to keep up to date on treatments and new findings on his various health conditions. This way I feel like I can at least contribute to his therapies. I know his overall condition will worsen over time but I can try to slow down the progression. 

The last coping mechanism I will share isn't all that productive and I monitor my use of it carefully. I binge watch tv shows. I have found that I can get lost in fictional characters problems and give my mind a rest.

It will take me a while to get back to the emotional space I was in before the hospitalization but the journey to healing starts with recognition and acceptance. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Hobbies - sanity saving stuff!

 I haven't written anything in a while. Mostly because I've been keeping myself busy, quite productively I must say. I started a whatsapp group more than a year ago, where I sell items I find at thrift stores. I hit an emotional bump in the beginning of the year and stopped the group for a few months. After some self reflection, I started the group again, and it's been keeping me occupied. And thus away from sinking into depression again. Depression as a result of PTSD from special needs parenting. But I have posted about this before, and this post is about positivity and hope. So I won't be going into depressing subjects today. My whatsapp group's name is Interestingfinds. And that's exactly what I sell on the group. Treasures I find in thriftstores and similar stores. I also have a bidorbuy account where I sell similar items. But the whatsapp group has been really therapeutic. I get to interact with other people (electronically) and I have made quite a few fr

Our greatest fears came true for a friend of mine.

The third angel I had the privilege of knowing has passed away. And my heart breaks for all of the parents of the kids taken away so young. This is a pain I am not yet familiar with, but it is the pain I know that will hurt the most. This is the pain many special needs family's fear more than any diagnosis or treatment. The pain of saying goodbye to the person who formed you more than anything or anyone else ever could. And this special person formed the whole family dynamic. Everything revolved around their care. Vacations were planned around their needs. Their parents were absent for a lot of their siblings life. I fear for the time, just after the loved one will be taken, what will the sibling/s feel? How will they react? How will we react? I know there will be sadness, but what other emotions will be lurking around? Anger? Resentment? Maybe even a sense of relief? How will we deal with that? I think it's important to start dealing with these emotions wh

Embarrassing or infuriating?? Both.

This special needs journey has been entertaining. It has been scary. It has been educational. It has been down right depressing at times. It has been humerous. All of these emotions have been present for a while, and we experience most of them daily. It has also been embarrassing. But we got used to the dirty nappies at inoppertune times. We even got used to impolite stares and whispers. All of these moments have been embarrassing in a way, but we got over it and learned how to cope with them. We have recently begun to deal with issues that were not present before. It is embarrassing, but it also reminds me of how uninformed people can be. We attended my niece's birthday party and one of the moms told my sister that she was worried because my son would be attending. She was worried he would try something with one of the girls. Now, for those who don't know Jacques, that is just plain hilarious. It is funny because Jacques doesn't understand sexuality. And it is hilarious be