What an emotional day this was!
My mommy heart felt sooo many overwhelming emotions, but the greatest emotion was definitely pride.
I am so proud of Jacques and the enormous impact he has had on so many people's lives. He brought together our family for this great day in his life and I am very honored they got
to share it with him.
This kid has definitely been the greatest teacher in my life.
I've been having a difficult time in my spiritual life. This special needs life and journey we are on can become a bit much. I have been worried about the future, about Jacques and our futures.
Sometimes it looks kind of dark - when I cannot control him. I fear the aggression that sometimes overcome him because he is becoming stronger everyday.
Jacques is still growing, he is almost 15 years old and he has not reached his final adult height. He already towers over me by almost a full head's length.
I feel intimidated by his size when I stand next to him. Most of the time, I only feel this way about his size and not him personally. But unfortunately, the bigger he gets the more intimidating those few times get when it's not just about his size.
And then I realize that the intimidation I feel for my own son, even though it doesn't happen a lot, is becoming something else, something more.
It is morphing into something close to terror. But, and I have to emphasize this, the terror only surfaces once in a while.
The slaps and the kicks and the things that get thrown around are normal occurrences that we actually turn into games most of the time. That is how well adapted we have become at this strange life journey we find ourselves in.
No, the terror surfaces when I don't see Jacques in the eyes looking at me during a meltdown. I see a stranger, and I can see that the stranger also doesn't recognize me. That's when I get frightened. I'm not scared of Jacques, I'm scared of what the stranger may do until he recognizes he is safe and among people who care about him.
I believe that the stranger was born out of trauma. Trauma born from years of pain and suffering in hospitals while we tried to give him a better chance at survival. Therefor the stranger that sometimes emerge is partly our own doing.
This morning in his confirmation service I was reminded that Jacques' soul is a lot more mature than the rest of him. Although his "tantrums" can be terrifying - mentally he is at a 3 year old level, and 3 year olds can throw some mean tantrums, not to mention a 3 year old in a 15 year old's body.
The officiant mentioned to the confirmants that although they may be mature according to the church, they still have a lot to learn about God's work. I was hit with the realization that Jacques' soul is more mature than mine in most ways.
He is not worried about people's reactions to his excited behavior when he visits God's house.
I will work on my own insecurities and I will help spread awareness and promote tolerance for people who are different.
Jacques' happy place is the church, but it's a lot more than the building responsible for his joy. His soul longs to be in God's house. When he watches tv at home, it is either a service that was streamed on YouTube or it is a music concert by one of the cape choirs.
His hero is our congregation leader, he loves him and he always greets him like he's a part of the family. Because to Jacques he is.
That's why I know his soul was confirmed this morning, his fragile body could not stop that from happening.
Thank you God for this amazing privilege to raise Jacques, and thank You for his faith that inspires me to be a better person.
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