Skip to main content

Jacques' confirmation service - done and dusted...



What an emotional day this was!
My mommy heart felt sooo many overwhelming emotions, but the greatest emotion was definitely pride.
I am so proud of Jacques and the enormous impact he has had on so many people's lives. He brought together our family for this great day in his life and I am very honored they got
to share it with him.


This kid has definitely been the greatest teacher in my life.
I've been having a difficult time in my spiritual life. This special needs life and journey we are on can become a bit much. I have been worried about the future, about Jacques and our futures.

Sometimes it looks kind of dark - when I cannot control him. I fear the aggression that sometimes overcome him because he is becoming stronger everyday.

Jacques is still growing, he is almost 15 years old and he has not reached his final adult height. He already towers over me by almost a full head's length.
I feel intimidated by his size when I stand next to him. Most of the time, I only feel this way about his size and not him personally. But unfortunately, the bigger he gets the more intimidating those few times get when it's not just about his size.

And then I realize that the intimidation I feel for my own son, even though it doesn't happen a lot, is becoming something else, something more.
It is morphing into something close to terror. But, and I have to emphasize this, the terror only surfaces once in a while.
The slaps and the kicks and the things that get thrown around are normal occurrences that we actually turn into games most of the time. That is how well adapted we have become at this strange life journey we find ourselves in.

No, the terror surfaces when I don't see Jacques in the eyes looking at me during a meltdown. I see a stranger, and I can see that the stranger also doesn't recognize me. That's when I get frightened. I'm not scared of Jacques, I'm scared of what the stranger may do until he recognizes he is safe and among people who care about him.

I believe that the stranger was born out of trauma. Trauma born from years of pain and suffering in hospitals while we tried to give him a better chance at survival. Therefor the stranger that sometimes emerge is partly our own doing.

This morning in his confirmation service I was reminded that Jacques' soul is a lot more mature than the rest of him. Although his "tantrums" can be terrifying - mentally he is at a 3 year old level, and 3 year olds can throw some mean tantrums, not to mention a 3 year old in a 15 year old's body.

The officiant mentioned to the confirmants that although they may be mature according to the church, they still have a lot to learn about God's work. I was hit with the realization that Jacques' soul is more mature than mine in most ways.

He is not worried about people's reactions to his excited behavior when he visits God's house.
I will work on my own insecurities and I will help spread awareness and promote tolerance for people who are different.

Jacques' happy place is the church, but it's a lot more than the building responsible for his joy. His soul longs to be in God's house. When he watches tv at home, it is either a service that was streamed on YouTube or it is a music concert by one of the cape choirs.

His hero is our congregation leader, he loves him and he always greets him like he's a part of the family. Because to Jacques he is.


That's why I know his soul was confirmed this morning, his fragile body could not stop that from happening.

Thank you God for this amazing privilege to raise Jacques, and thank You for his faith that inspires me to be a better person.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Hobbies - sanity saving stuff!

 I haven't written anything in a while. Mostly because I've been keeping myself busy, quite productively I must say. I started a whatsapp group more than a year ago, where I sell items I find at thrift stores. I hit an emotional bump in the beginning of the year and stopped the group for a few months. After some self reflection, I started the group again, and it's been keeping me occupied. And thus away from sinking into depression again. Depression as a result of PTSD from special needs parenting. But I have posted about this before, and this post is about positivity and hope. So I won't be going into depressing subjects today. My whatsapp group's name is Interestingfinds. And that's exactly what I sell on the group. Treasures I find in thriftstores and similar stores. I also have a bidorbuy account where I sell similar items. But the whatsapp group has been really therapeutic. I get to interact with other people (electronically) and I have made quite a few fr...

Rock bottom...

This post is very difficult for me to write. But it is part of my healing so here goes. I was feeling so tired and so alone. I could not see light, I only saw darkness. I thought if this is it, if this is all there is I can just as well be dead. But if I'm dead what then? Where will I go? Will there be nothing? That can't be, there has to be something after death, but then there also has to be a God. And if there is a God then it is not as hopeless as I thought. And I could grasp and cling to that thought. I could see myself going on. That was the lowest point ever in my 37 years on earth. What brought me to this point is a very long story. It started a little more than 14 years ago with the birth of my first born son. I have always been a control freak, I like to plan and to feel in control of a situation. For the past 14 years I have tried to be in control and on top of all my sons medical issues. I researched every new diagnosis so carefully that my husband started to r...

Embarrassing or infuriating?? Both.

This special needs journey has been entertaining. It has been scary. It has been educational. It has been down right depressing at times. It has been humerous. All of these emotions have been present for a while, and we experience most of them daily. It has also been embarrassing. But we got used to the dirty nappies at inoppertune times. We even got used to impolite stares and whispers. All of these moments have been embarrassing in a way, but we got over it and learned how to cope with them. We have recently begun to deal with issues that were not present before. It is embarrassing, but it also reminds me of how uninformed people can be. We attended my niece's birthday party and one of the moms told my sister that she was worried because my son would be attending. She was worried he would try something with one of the girls. Now, for those who don't know Jacques, that is just plain hilarious. It is funny because Jacques doesn't understand sexuality. And it is hilarious be...